just mention it in a side comment sometime today... like oh by the way i have a daughter but um yeah my day was good
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
You look cute and you are awesome. And that means something coming from a judgmental bitch
When the shrooms kicked in we both simultaneously realized we were not the right puzzle piece for the dubstep puzzle.
We made eye contact and were like we are not welcome here, the ravers are onto us and we need to get the fuck out before we get shuffled upon
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
My dad just sent me a text reminding me to bring the family beer pong championship belt. Thanksgiving 2012 just got real
Is it inception if it feels like another uterus is going to burst out of my current uterus?
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
I don't really want to talk about it, but if anyone finds my unicorn mask with my bra in it, I would really like that back.
I honestly didn't think living in Canada would change me, until I found myself watching hockey porn
Did I tell you that I told him I deleted his dick pics and he almost started crying?
I remember 2 things. 1. Hanging through the window. 2. And she needing a bucket to puke in. That’s all. I have no other memory.
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
He just kept repeating "It was like meep meep meep on my balls."
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
Randomize
