Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
Come see our sink grown plant.
what date should I let him know how fucked up I am?
I already wrote the apology to my liver. He knows whats up
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
You convinced her to break up with her boyfriend, made out with her all night, got her to buy us all shots then went home with a different girl...
That explains the "i hate you" text. But the facebook deletion is a bit harsh
I feel like I'm in an ocean of eels jacking me off
I told him I was on the pill and it was OK to fire away. I want to never have to wear panty house or ever go to an office again. This is my early retirement plan. I want half of his NBA money.
Fuck you asshole. You cost me cheerleader pussy.
Somehow I became in charge of getting my mother laid? This can't be my life? Lol
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS
Thank you for dog sitting, there is $60 on my desk to be spent on DRUGS AND/OR GAS ONLY not that food stuff people crave.
I just smoked part of an Oreo cuz I thought it was some hash you left
How bad is it that I can say that this isn't the first time a married man, who is in the military, has tried to make me his mistress?
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