Remind them to make the "above the influence" commercial about us fallin off a ferris wheel
I only keep her as my best friend so she wont hook up with my ex.
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
I am now trying to reassure her that she doesn't have a wide-set vagina. So thanks, for whatever you said.
We are going to be Siegfried and Roy for Halloween and you are going to be the tiger.
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
why does he always try to puke into shot glasses
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
I used the line "you don't have enough pillows". Then left. Thought you should know.
Are we DOING anything for lunch...if sex is involved, let's just be straight forward and stop wasting the first half hour! We just need to get to the point
Turns out that fresh outta jail dick is quite something.
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
Access to a Target is paramount to my general happiness and self-worth.
Randomize
