Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
South Carolina's governor once cited "moral legitimacy" when he was a congressman voting for President Bill Clinton's impeachment. Karma is a bitch.
why im i the only drunk person in the library?
i'm not sure when it happened but apparently now it's topless bar night, im wearing a leotard and everyone is looking at me like i'm cheating.
He wants a "vagina fling" before he commits to dick for life. I'm gonna allow it.
wait, how does the 20 year old one night stand pregnant girl have a superiority complex?
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
I thought my period ended but I felt it again as soon as Pitbull started playing
Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
I don't think the TSA would be too happy. Who knows if three ounces of lube will be enough for us?
Do you think I'm short enough to dress up in a ghost costume and go trick or treating and have people believe that I'm actually a child?
I could see myself being this awkward weirdo drunk girl that patted strangers and danced terribly but was powerless to stop it
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
After we finished, she peed a little on my chest and told me she was "marking her territory". I didn't know if I should have been scared or aroused.
I am talking to a naked lesbian about robots. I think this means I win life.
Randomize
