ahhh, you guys look like a cute little family in the cop car!
i half slept with him but i still dont owe you any money
I just saw fred flintstone in my fruity pebbles!
what drugs are you on?
none, cept for the pain medication i got prescribed by the doc: it said 2 pills every 3 hours, but I took 6 cuz i'll be away from home later
Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.
Call me when your ready for an explanation about the ham in your vagina.
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
He fucked me so hard I might have to go to the hospital for internal bleeding
Can I have him when you're done?
We passed my parents while I was giving him road head...that awkward
It's like god made him fantastic at oral to make up for what his mouth does the rest of the time.
You paid a stripper $40 to choke me out last night.
I don't know what I'm more pleased with, the blowie last night or that fact that there's still 20 dollars in my wallet
I may quit my job to go be a costumed Jedi at Disneyland.
So I sniffed too hard this morning before work and I THINK THE COCAINE JUST STARTED ROUND 2.
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
Randomize
