if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
she's in the bathroom throwing up right now...what is the hookup protocol after she is done? what all can I do with her?
it went kinda like vodka, childhood memories, screaming/cursing, fist fight, tears, broken shit, passing out. in that order. tis the season.
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
its not that he announces that he can deep throat a banana its the fact he knows he can and it makes me wonder how he found out
his version of basketball was throwing hot sauce packets down my cleavage at taco bell at 2 am with his buddy.the cashier kept score
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
Pretty sure i brought my phone charger to a booty call
I find it weird that you'll let me in your vagina, but not your house
Mom told me you snuck booze into a concert in a cheez its box...I have never been prouder to be related to you
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
The true debate: do I prioritize going to bed and getting more than six hours of sleep or do I prioritize washing out various grease, leaf bits, and jizz out of my hair
No, he came home, unscrewed all of the lightbulbs, and threw them in the sink.
Randomize
