I'm kindof freaked out about my cock not getting up this morning. Cove over later so I can sort this out. Do not post this on texts from last night.
Damn that would have been a great one. Hahah and don't worry...
If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
Next time, if you wake and bake, make sure you nail the wake part. Not easy to explain to mum. Or the fire brigade.
You know you have a great job when you need a DD home from work at 6pm.
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
Im having a st. Get way fucked till i speak Irish pre game party. Bring a compass cause we are about to get lost
shes wearing an ankle tracker so she should be easy to find
They way I see it is I've wasted 7 years of having these glorious tits. I only have about 3 good years left before idk kids or just gravity takes over and they don't look this nice so it's basically open season.
He told me if he passed out to wake him by sitting on his face, and if he suffocated at least he would die happy. Found the one.
Burritos, beer, and hot tub sex. Merry Christmas to me.
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
whenever i get involved w someone i'm gonna give you their number to testify to the fact that they should not fall in love with me
Girl i am always here for you. But i am going to have sex now so im going to call you in the morning.
Randomize
