I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
The only good thing about ohio is that i can get 2 half gallons of soco for 40 bucks
she texted him the burrito order while she was puking in the Del Taco parking lot...
I just had sex on a bear rug. My life is complete.
Writing apology letters and leaving them on peoples doors for your actions is NOT what I want to be doing at 6am.
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
It's one of those mornings where you wake up and want to go to church for the first time in ten years. THAT shameful.
A houseboat for a bachelor party is a terrible idea, we nearly die when on dry land, so how the hell are we supposed to survive a 3 day binge on a massive lake?
If I asked you to guess what I'm doing right now how many guesses would it take to get to really high eating an apple bumping techno
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
I mean, how am I going to build a relationship on trust if he finds out I roofied him?
Personally, I'm gonna be Sexy Dobby the House Elf.
I mean, she's batshit insane and once choked a guy with one hand but she's still MILF material in my book.
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
havent showered in 2 days. just Febrezed my balls in the car before going into a movie alone with a 40 of Guinness.there isn't a word in English for how single I am.
Randomize
