i just smoke outta the biggest bowl i've ever seen. the kid was totally compensating for a tiny weeenie.
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
I'm a 23 year old virgin. I've masturbated in ways you can't even imagine.
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
Between the plague n the counterfeit drugs we brought back from mexico I'm not thinking too highly of their country right now. Screw mexican homeless men.
Just orgasmed in traffic. Starting to have feelings for my commute.
Underwear, t-shirt, bottle of Pinot Grigio and Golden Girls. I've hit a new level of homosexual.
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
My mouth is so dry that I'm about to put a straw in a jar of Vaseline and chug. This all addi diet definitely has its ups and downs.
I knew full well that at some point during the night my penis would be out with this costume choice
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
so apparently over the course of the night my roommate and i had sex in exactly the same spot. ps the downstairs sink needs cleaning.
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
If you survived your 72 hour masturbation marathon put on some pants and come over. My mom dropped off a lasagna.
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