from now on my penis is your penis
Guess what? I had way too much to drink today. I'm properly wasted. Doing chores and playing video games while drunk. It's the nexus of stupidity and responsibility.
The Lord gave Farrah Fawcett 1 wish when she died. She wished that all children in the world would be safe! The Lord granted her wish and killed Michael Jackson.
i saw his dick when we were four, so thats kind of ruined for me now
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
Lube is flammable
Who is this??
Dude. It's not even nine. I don't know yet.
Drink number four. Don't even tell me about its not even nine
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
Dude for real though, we gotta stop getting hammered and kissing gay guys.
Can you send me the pictures of me riding the penis
I was supposed to go on a date tonight but I cancelled because I found out the Lizzie McGuire movie is on Netflix.
I couldn't find my hair brush so I just brushed my hair with a cat brush. I should not be dating.
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
I think he was trying to be romantic, but the candle he had lit was the kind you use to repel mosquitoes..
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