Never forget that any girl can get her way if she puts her vagina on the table.
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
I don't think I'm emotionally ready for this blow job.
He was with one girl when I went to bed, wad with another when I woke up and now he just told me he was with a 3rd in-between last night and this morning. Jesus Christ.
My only regret is that we didn't pee on our neighbors Prius
Best part of Friday afternoon drinking? Having ping pong balls thrown into my cleavage.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
I just realized that the first thing he ever bought me was Plan B.
I have bruises from doing the splits on the poles, if that doesn't scream bourbon street regret then I don't know what does
So you don't take a regular pic with her, but you take a selfie with her ass. Interesting...
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
Mom got drunk as hell, crashed Dad's wedding and some how left with the best man. This is why you should be glad you aren't my sibling.
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
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