i stopped calling them hangovers and started calling mornings a long time ago.
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
You can't be mad because the taco bell people like me and not you. I'm not the one that puked in front of them.
You had your dick do your apologizing for you last night. Apology accepted.
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
So the next three days will be henceforth known as the 'celebration of the end of the most irresponsible years of my life' be prepared to wake up naked in a ditch.
I just wanna get hammered somewhere crazy. Meet some chicks. Bang them and then go scuba diving.
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
I hope I don't have to wait for another triple crown winner to get laid again.
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
We sexted for four hours straight. Is this really what my life has come to?
there were rolls with just one bite out of each one leading to the bedroom. you were laying on the bed naked and yelled 'you did it you followed the bread crumbs!'
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
I could not add him. He gets 5 likes on Instagram.
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