Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
I never Thought the day id see a chick shove a 2liter up her vag. that happened last night
He said he's gonna start calling me "Benny" because we're "friends with bennyfits"
oh yeah I know that guy. he's legit. slept in my closet a few times
That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
i was about to rearrange the room but realized that this is the only efficient setup where we can have sex while the other one's asleep without them accidentally seeing.
Dude, she gave me a handski that literally felt like she was starting a lawn mower...
I'm slightly more gay than I thought. I'd go so far as to say I'm a top.
we dropped acid in chinatown. worst. idea. ever. too many colors. and nobody has any idea where steve is.
my grandpa paid for my boob job but he just doesn't know it.
Idk... he wears anklets.. i dont think i can get past that.
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
So, I just found out Ireland, is #1 in binge drinking. I know its Sunday but this one is for America.
scotch tastings during the week is a baaad idea. i woke up w no pants but wearing my winter coat
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