i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
Right when he gets off the plane they're going straight to a party where you're only allowed in with a bottle of whisky and they are given bullet proof vests.
He said he got laid, but you and i both know he was too high to leave his house.
I dont know how to respond to your rave picture. I mean yeah, he's hot, but it just seems wrong to be like "Please tell me you fucked that guy with the pacifier!"
We pretended the crowd cheering the Thunder's win was cheering for us while we had sex on the couch.
Im gonna take a shit then figure out how to be better at basketball
So your brother is gay after all... Just caught him making out with my brother... Apparently he's gay too
I think I ingested my vampire fangs last night.
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
I helped you wax your vagina and you won't even get me Corn Nuts you fucking bitch?
U wanna come over and watch talidaga nights. Ill make pancakes
What? It's 130 in the morning.
Aww come on i make bomb ass pancakes
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
Randomize
