sorry about calling you the devil all night.
i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
Dude. Cab ride home consisted of me making out with an Asian girl sitting next to my Dad
Successfully masturbated while balancing on an exercise ball. my greatest accomplishment?
Probably
He just kept repeating "not with an octopus" over and over for hours. Soooooo Porn Dare was a succes.
Im officially canceling McCormick Monday. I got a raise.
Sooo grey goose Tuesday?????
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
Also one of my neighbors is blasting "pumped up kicks" and possibly butchering some chickens
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
And my parents said I crawled through the house
The closest I'll come to committing is leaving sex toys at their house
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
Starting to realize that fucking everyone I come across isn't the most... "adult"... coping method.
Randomize
