do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
i think i should save myself the $200 for a prom dress. i mean why bother. its just going to be covered in vodka/jizz/and puke by the end of the night.
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
He hid IN a snowbank for 2 hours waiting for me to come home. This game has to stop before someone dies.
Scored tix to flower show. Do we want to go drunk on Saturday or hungover on Sunday? Only two options.
That's cool. At least the punch line of my story isn't I shit in a booth at Denny's.
I have a physical this friday. On a scale from 1-10, 10 being the most judgemental gay bashing, how much judgement am I gonna get from my dr when he checks my balls and sees the cherry tattoo
WHY IS FOOD SO DELICIOUS
BECAUSE SCIENCE
In case you're wondering where my head is at right now, it's wishing that I was getting laid and not having a debate about cheese.
Why did I ever allow that penis to enter my sacred temple?
I'm stuck in a tree and request your assistance ASAP
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
Everytime I feel sad about the break up; I recall that she is a Bernie supporter and feel all better
I'm definitely not mad. My best friend is dating my drug dealer, it's impossible to be mad.
I don't see why I have to pay for it.
your head went through the window, you're pretty much obligated to pay for it.
Randomize
