One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
He kept saying that the puke outside the theater wasn't his and it was all a set up to keep him from partying with the whores. Then he passed out on the sidewalk.
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
Exactly. Some of us want to get married. And some of us want to wear sombreros and do cocaine. To each their own.
Remember when we saw my neighbor taking dick pics of himself? He's back at it!
I dont know what we smoked last night but I woke up and found out I started writing a book called White Trash Princess. Its the best thing Ive ever read
May the one with the liver that just won't quit win
All I've had today is a brownie and a shot of Jack, so you know. I'm doing ok.
There are both cum and chocolate stains on my sheets. Can't decide whether this is a new low or a new high.
Yeah, last night in the parking lot was hot. I'm sure whoever has the surveillance tapes thinks so too.
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
no real plans this weekend. trying to derail the alcohol induced fucking hell train I've been riding for the past three weeks.
Randomize
