I went for the touchdown every play, and I think I ended up with herpes.
So the waitress at the Chinese Buffet totally just said "Adios" to a Hispanic couple. There's something you don't see every day.
I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
I tried ok? my penis just doesnt like her as much as my mother does
last night we were having sex and i didn't care if i got off. i was just holding up my hand behind his head so i could look at my new ring. i think he knew.
my bowl and the doses are under your mom's passenger seat
repeat: THERE IS LSD AND THC IN YOUR MOM'S CAR. HELP ME HELP US AVOID FELONIES
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
I got punched in the face by a Cowboy last night. Then he bought me a beer cause o convinced security not to kick him out the bar. Start of a fairytale love story? I think so.
Why is my car covered in what appears to be salsa verde?
Just do it. I grew some lady balls and did it last year. It's your turn. Time to show what you're made of. Hit it or quit it.
My life hurts
I woke up 30 minutes away from the bar, my car was at a train station, and when I got home all I got was the speechless head shake
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
Whenever a guy asks me why I like weird sex stuff, I just answer, "Catholic School".
He lives in a tent in my ex'd backyard. Why the fuck would you want any of that dirty dick?
Randomize
