I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
So much to do, haven't done anything except hook up with sailors and work on my tan.
Sorry, but when you makeout with a guy in a panda suit, you know something has to change.
I think I may have some undocumented and undiscovered std that causes girls to go bat shit crazy. How you got it is beyond me
I just had to beg some random guy to help me climb through your porch window since the door was locked. FYI...i hear you having sex in there. You could of at least taken a break to unlock the damn door. WTF!!!
I can't relate, I like my boobs roaming free like a wild animal, and I occasionally let them devour small children
what's your room number? I've never been there sober...
I don't think I've ever had this many people offer me blow before. 3 o'clock on a Thursday. I keep good company.
I'm going to the store to get corona, salad, and blunt wraps...
how does that bad decision feel?
Ever been to a strip club with one stripper? I have. And she sucked.
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
Randomize
