I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
Well, if your day started with strippers, then we're tied. Otheriwse, I'm winning.
Don't you ever say "drinking at 2" as if it's a bad thing again. I'm asking you as a friend here.
No, i know about the eggs and penis, the oh wow was for the fire
he kept yelling THIS ISNT AMATEUR HOUR
Yeah we call her cincohandjabos because she gave 5 guys handjobs one night in 5th grade
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
Is the party worth it?
I am drink. Beer pony and singing.
We decided to keep having sex while I ordered the pizza. I wanted extra pepperoooooooooooooni.
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
His dick's name has evolved from Sebastian to Big Daddy to Barbara Streisand to Barbara Walters. I think the transformation is finally complete.
The night they met I slept with both of them. Of course I'm best man.
and i thought it was paint or jizz but it was cheese
please tell me you didnt taste test that
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
I love friends. Friendship is wonderful. I wish the rain was my friend
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