All I've ever wanted to do in life is right
Maybe you should learn how to spell write first
My parents came down to check and make sure I wasn't into any mischief then proceeded to give me alcohol.
Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
Dude.. You paid a stripper $50 to listen to you cry last night.
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
I have been way too involved with your nipples this weekend
Just did a relay race involving shotgunning beers, cannonballs and riding a blowup whale. Never want to leave vacation.
the worst part was waking up this morning to his skrillex ringtone.....when was it ever okay for friends to let other friends go home WITH GUYS LIKE THAT!?
I wonder how your parents would feel if the scarf they gave me for Christmas is mainly being used for a blindfold during sex...
I mean he did ask and he said it's cold out but i didn't realize we were that comfortable hahaha sex is one thing but borrowing a sweatshirt?
Locking that text forever.
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
He got in a fight. Then called me drunk to see if he should bail his friends out, or walk through a Taco Bell drive-thru. True love.
I'm not over that dildo rifle story. I don't think I ever will be.
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
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