I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
you were holding her hair as she threw up saying "I'm going to be a great doctor" repeatedly.
I made mike pull over so I could lay in the grass. He made me get up cuz I looked dead and people were passing. It was like 6:30am.
So much beer in the passenger seat the seatbelt light is blinking
I'm riding shot gun after Shawn took a dump in a happy meal box because we were making record time.
Yea, you were talking about how you did not want to be a reindeer for at least 5 minutes.
I refuse to apologize. Any dick that comes that close to my face uninvited is gonna get bit
I can always see lesbian subplot. It's my hero ability.
We just weren't working out together, on a completely unrelated note some guy that i talked to on his grinder account said i could crash at his place
I envy your ninja level of don't give a fuck
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
Beer bong just needs to be rebedazzled but it's gonna make it
I got stabbed with a couple of chip crumbs during sex Saturday. Further proof I need to stop eating snacks in bed
She didn't get a tit job, she's just wearing the right size bra for once
I blacked out and when I woke up and looked at the counter.. there was a full cake upside down. I dont even understand ...
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