omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
First, he can't make me cum.. And now, he can't get it up because he LOVES me?!!??! i don't think so.
do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
ya and he came three minutes into it because he didnt have sex all summer
oh that makes more sense i knew you arent that good
You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
Oh just living the dream. And by living the dream I mean drinking franzia out of a martini glass and watching family matters. Also, drinking every time Carl Winslow has a mustache and Eddie wears MC Hammer pants
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
I caught him with his head in the spinach bag this morning. He was laughing demonically saying, "i love spinach, yes I do."
I just saw a guy in a sombrero and holding an inflated blow-up doll in all her "glory" get escorted out of the mall. I hate Marley.
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
I think it says something about my life when I start picking up girls while im in rehab. And I don't think it's good.
I woke up and they were watching power rangers in japanese so I just found my bra and left
just in the smoking shack with my sister cheering on a caterpillar make its cocoon
I have a bunch of bug bites on my ass... This is why you don't have sex against a tree in the woods
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
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