I woke up this AM and all of my clothes i wore last night are gone. Instead i am dressed in air jordans, boxers, cargo shorts, and an Affliction t-shirt. the part that upsets me most is that i was with a guy who wears Affliction t-shirts.
and before you know it i was laying next to him at 2 in the morning with penis and sadness on my breath.
the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
could you clean the juice and feathers off my bed I'm just not up for hangover cleaning.
You never cared about felonies while buying me alcohol from the little Asian woman across the street
Well I'm currently debating between getting toilet paper or getting my eyebrows waxed so... There's that
Couple of things: my nipples are blue and knowing that at some point I'm going to have to poop is incredibly terrifying
I got kicked out of the hotel after wandering into the banquet kitchen at 2am trying to find the shrimp....so we're power napping in the car and then driving to madison.
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
I peed in Andys sink the other day bc I didnt want him to hear me pee
he told me he had a gf and in the very next sentence asked if I wanted to have sex.
Can you explain the Transformers set up for battle in my living room?
I really just gave up on masterbating because I'm too tired. I really am getting old.
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
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