Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
TIT CHECK! TIT CHECK! ALERT! ALERT!!!!
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
That's why you NEVER put anything a stripper gave you in your mouth
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
her 18 year old son fed me pieces of a french roll like a pigeon, as I lay on the floor of the bathroom crying.
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
he was definitely tindering while i gave him head
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
Basically all I do anymore is get stoned with my cats, and then we share goldfish.
Shower wine is way better than shower beer.
A picture of a damn cupcake brought back 3 fuckboys
I found Erin. She's getting a back massage from the coat check boy and drinking all his whiskey.
No dude shes like 5 feet tall and maybe 100 pounds... Normally i wouldnt be scared but someone gave her a bat. Thats why im in the bathroom
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
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