I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
You can't special order awesome
So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
I want someone to please me without me having to show him steps 1 through 5
you know its a sad night when you can actually see and hear sitcoms on at the bar
i know you like preteen girls so i'm gonna offer you some advice...dump a bucket of glitter on yourself and walk into the sunlight. they will come running.
Apparently I mistakenly called the hair club for men at 3am... they called me back this morning.
She just sucked the buffalo sauce out of my beard. I've never been so disgusted and hard in my life.
Some random at the bar just whispered in my ear that he wants to eat me out while on bath salts....
Invite that kid who wants to become a priest. I WANT ON.
Once again I am on the toilet and refuse to get up
What a great time to reflect on life
First morning at school this semester and I threw up in a bush during my walk of shame.
He stole my heart. I stole his identity.
I farted in the parking garage and it echoed.
Randomize
