Heyy I kind of wanted to apologize and excuse myself for last night. I feel like that was a little much. I just met you. That's why I don't like tequila. Haha
I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
I want to make a porn site called "girls with daddy issues"
as we were driving back from the frat house he pulled down his pants and convinced me his penis "wanted some air"
i just spent 10 minutes talking to the lady who works at taco bell about my romantic situation.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
It's been so long that I've occasionally forgotten I own a vagina
I don't remember... but puking on the bar sounds like me.
If you need us, Zoe and I will be on my kitchen floor drinking Gatorade and crying
You had sex with a guy who has a purple beard last night. No Molly for a while, ok?
I AM A SEXUAL NIGHTMARE
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
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