i just used a pokemon card to do blow. i need an adult. now.
I understand why they say don't drink the water in Mexico... I just saw 5 guys piss upstream of where the bar tender went to get the water
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
Sorry, I was trapped in a small closet behind a washer. What's up?
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
don't worry about my dad. he just hates you because you're liberal, not because we're fucking.
so an orgy is about to happen in the next room if you wondered where i am currently at in life
What, so now you are his nutritionist and his fuck buddy?
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
i just want things to go smoothly
oh they won't lmao
WTF. I was 99% sure I went straight home last night. I just woke up hugging a chair, and my tux pocket has a flask filled with what I think is red bull and gatorade. This has to be your doing.
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
You might see me up a tree with a deranged look in my eye , just walk away at that point
Randomize
