I have to tell you about my conversation with the cloud dragon!
How, after 24 years of life, did I manage to revisit breastmilk
Public safety found my id!
And i can't find my bra so i'm assuming they found my bra with my id which would explain the disapproving tone the lady on the phone had.
I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.
I can totally hide my daquiri in my sling.
we literally spent four hours convincing you that all 5 of your toes were there. no more everclear on a tuesday.
Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
I am convinced that after two dates and a few adult sleepovers that he still doesn't know my name.
Lmfao I'm not trying to have a pissing contest over acid with my mom.....
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
we got kicked out of the bar last night for sneaking into the back kitchen and eating handfulls of cheese in the walk in fridge
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
I don't know why I bit your face last night but I'm sorry .
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
we woke up when the front wall of the house caught fire.
Randomize
