It smells like weed.
We are in Boulder, Everything smells like weed.
Add "its too hot" to reasons why I don't get fucked anymore
She said if it slipped out one more time she was going to duct tape it in her vagina
Dude she looks like a female richard gere plus 400 pounds.
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
The dopest dose you'll ever dose. I felt like an octopus all of thursday
I'm stoned at 1030am, watching Maury with my exboyfriend. I need to make better choices with my life.
My goal is to go an entire semester without cocaine. That's an adult goal right?
I. Did. In fact. Sprain. My liver. This. Weekend.
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
I wanted to say "you're a souless cunt" but in a nice way. So I added a smiley face.
Randomize
