proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
I've rolled joints bigger than that penis.
HER PREGGO ASS BROUGHT SPEGHETTI-O'S... IN HER PURSE.
After you took the handle off the bathroom door I had to coach the Scottish guy sitting on the toilet, throwing up in his own lap, how to put his pants back on. Yes, I think he won the drinking game.
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
Got hereat 8. Had 6 beers 2 shots and a game of diZZY BATOS
Just had a tv talk show interview in my mirror. Got into to some pretty heavy shit man, would have made good viewing.
Running into your random closeted hookup from last night is really awkward when you have to sit next to him and his girlfriend in a 200 person class.
Every part of me is in agreement...but mostly my vagina
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
Well, maybe we can talk about it over a drink and some crushed up vicodin.
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
He was only in jail for 4 hours before he was someone's prison wife
We've had gay sex and pie, the holiday season has officially begun.
Im at a south american orphan benefit auction drinking stoli in a coffee mug, this is what my life has become, thanks a lot community college
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