I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
He said I was the smartest girl he had ever dated, that should have been a sign from the beginning
Got drunk. Then they sung "we didnt start the fire" to my other cousin who accidentally burnt down the house when she was younger.
I'm already mentally preparing myself for the fact that I'll probably be sleeping next to a toilet.
he needs to stop knowing everyone on campus...it's making cheating on him really difficult.
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
Yea I almost drowned giving a BJ in the shower once
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
okay yeah but you've seen me eat jambalaya naked
went to class still drunk this morning and my professor made the class give me a round of applause and said, "see people, THIS is inspirational... if she can make it to class in this condition there is no excuse not to show up!"
he went down on me and a few minutes later he asked to show me a magic trick. then he pulled a quarter out of my vagina
when the cops came she just started yelling at them "Fuck the police! freedom of speech bitches!"
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