Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
Osama's death just kick started our Cinco de mayo celebration. Margaritas for anyone wearing red white and blue!
I actually enjoy jerking off to her facebook more than I enjoy actually fucking her. Just something with our generation
Your 13 year old niece and her best friend half carried you from the beach to the pool where you then clung onto a raft and screamed about having pretty hair.
we went from five shot glasses to three in one night. we lost 'badass' and gumbi, but the ninja turtle survived. courtney says to avoid any more casualties we're not allowed to use shot glasses past 1am. and we're not allowed to throw them
It is 9pm, let the ass parade to the bars begin
I dunno if you guys are having weird sex or a most accurate bird sound contest but either way stop doin it
Ended up getting hot boxed in a limo with a bunch of asians going to a karaoke bar. I think I pretended to understand their language for a solid hour. Am I bilingual now?
I would totes reciprocate the nip pic, but I'm sick with a piece of tissue shoved up one of my nostrils and I'm just not feeling that ambitious. Sorry.
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
I just let my boss bend me over his desk and spank me. I think that is some sort of American dream.
Well, she chose the fuckboy life or the life chose her. Not sure which one but either way I don't need that negativity in my life.
It was a frighteningly large penis to say the least
Is it acceptable to bring pot to a funeral or am I going to have to do this shit sober?
Randomize
