also referred to as T.P.S. (Toddler Penis Syndrome)
I forgot to tell you. I'm at a porno shoot today.
I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
i chased bacardi with meat sauce last night
Friends help friends remove their foot from the sunroof after an epic smoke sesh.
I've reached the point to where my pre-gaming needs to be limited to pre-inning-ing
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
The profile of her ass is just unreal. Weird way to use profile I know, but never more accurate
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
Look, road flare archery was agreed on. We both accepted it was a shit idea sober, but did it drunk anyway.
I need to find a more reliable booty-call so I can start dating people and take it slow.
ill let you put your finger in a lot of things. but a ring is not one of them.
Randomize
