Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
There is something depressing about eating toast in a dark living room by myself using a paper plate that says: "Let's Party!"
mom brought her knitting needles with her. its bad enough to be in the ER on new years, but to be with the knitting parent!?
i knew you were okay when you wanted to eat in the ambulance
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
deryk tried to steal your screen door and i think sam and brent are duct taping lauren to the diving board.
Alright. I will breast feed the first person to get here.
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
And we won't even have to pay the tab if we die AT the bar. So..win win.
He said you stopped mid-fuck, called fives on his dick, walked out to grab another drink, and came back.
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
The worst part was when I went to go spit it out and rinse my mouth, his grandpa was in the bathroom, so I had to fucking wait. It was awful. I finally ran to the kitchen and prayed his parents didn't come out of their room.
I don't know, we got really drunk and I slapped her with an ear of corn.
He just kept pissing on the couch as we were yelling at him while he repeatedly told us "its going to be okay".
So were driving two hours to go to a club and Charles packed me a sippy cup full of tequila. He thinks of everything!
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