dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
Lady next to me is getting american flags airburshed on her nails. god bless the ghetto.
i want the original willy wonka imagination song to come on when i take a girl to my room
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
To be so small, the mini-horses are exceptionally aggressive. And fast. Very, very fast.
Abort! Abort! He almost bit off a finger!
He actually has his life put together though, during the date we walked by a shoppers drugmart where my friend and I once flashed a janitor and all I could wonder was how does he not see shit show written all over me?
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
I know. But whatever I'll just eat cold pizza and play with my cats by candlelight
You knocked on your freshman year room door, told the kids who opened it "I own you", and attempted to force-feed them everclear.
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
so I just realized.. of my 70k student loan debt, most of it went toward bar tabs, eightballs, and sweet-ass ties to wear to gamedays and other people's weddings. I think about shit like this while I'm at my mid-level management position. you know. "working."
Look upon your future, America, and despair.
Randomize
