If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
This is a dangerous game of "whose life is more pathetic".
all i remember of last night is that i was drinking jameson and then NOTHING i do remember walking a dog though\nwhich is sooo fucking weird
OH MY GOD ITS COMING BACK I PUT THE DOG IN THE HOTTUB TOO
Before I roll over explain to me why you're naked and on my floor.
Seriously! We need to take her a thank you note or something. She puts up with the drugs and the extremely loud sex. She deserves a thank you card.
I was thinking more like a "sorry you can hear us, but I'm having the best sex of my life" cake
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
I'm pathetic. I'm eating cream puffs in the bath and crying a little.
GO RIDE HIS EYEBROWS INTO THE SUNSET
I shouldn't have to tell you to stop throwing knives at me.
The boob job was worth every penny just to see the expression of pure joy on his face the first time he saw them.
You are now at the point where people no longer question whether or not you might be on drugs. They now know for certain that you are
I feel like I haven't slapped your ass in years. This will be awesome.
I am a taco. I am also really high.
I've always seen you more as a chimichanga.
Every time I look at him 'Relax' by Frankie Goes to Hollywood plays in my head. Is that weird?
Randomize
