so after all day drinking, we went to an all u can eat crab place and i was going from table to table surveying the crowd if they though the crab i was carrying around looked like the flying dog from never ending story...what the hell is wrong with me?
ofcourse shes the first one pregnant. wasnt she the one who asked the middle school health teacher how many calories are in sperm?
New beer pong partner names "Bus Boys" ... We clear tables
I still havent given him the valentines day card i got him. I feel like just writting...."sorry for the horrible blow job i gave u last night." and just giving it to him.
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
i dont know, i woke up and he was going down on me. i guess i can save his number
Just finished off a roll of paper towels. Celebration blunt?
I don't understand but I'll be there in 5
And after that you guys started calling arbor mist "breakfast juice"
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
I threw up in my room. And I cleaned it up with a spatula.
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
She gave me a job then fed me cheesecake in bed. She's a keeper!
Omg I should get on tinder just to get some edibles in town
I think he is using me to sort through his relationship issues, past and present. I did not sign up for this. All I want is booty. Am I the dude in this relationship?
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
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