you should just get pregnant. that way you don't need to decide on a career.
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
thanks for singing to me while i puked last night
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
she took her bra off and it was like the puppet strings had been dropped. her tits totally deflated.
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
We left the bar in 2 bicycle cabs. It cost thirty bucks and they took us to the wrong hotel. When we finally made it to the right one we ended up in a room with three randos from alaska. Jammed out with them for like an hour. Those inuits are good guitar players
You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
Hes a nice guy and all but I'm only interested in his drunken alter ego.
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
I could run a drunk marathon in heels
Dude, my sex life is so sad since I started having feelings.
Sleeping with just one person sucks
You spent the entire night trying to get me to make out with you
yeah I remember. your boyfriend shouldnt have cheered me on though.
Like I fucked him in the shower at 3 am when I had classes all day the next day so he can't say I'm not dedicated
Still fucking the ballerina?
She can put her legs behind her head.
Enough said
Randomize
