Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
There are no words to adequately express my gratitude for sending me porn you found staring a former classmate.
I bruise way too easily for the kind of rough sex I want...
I woke up in a place I've never been before, with people I've never met before using me as a table for domino's.
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
the laptop wouldn't balance on his lap. that's how well endowed he is.
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
It's 11am on 4/20 and I'm already in urgent care.
five cans of playdoh and a game of guess whose penis ...
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
How am I supposed to be friends with him when there's an exact replica of his dick in my underwear drawer?
Also I know you probably did not understand anything I said on the phone last night but thank you for pretending.
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
My boobs are too perky to pay that much for a car
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