So I just almost came on my own face I had to dodge it as it was flying by...that was a first
Just sold this kid "Magic Furry Apples". He is way to high to figure out they are just peaches.
At least he's a nutritious stoner...
My boyfriend just sent me flowers. I am now crying at the fact i fucked my fat neighbor. God please help me.
whiskey dick. though we did manage to break my closet door and flood the bathroom.
He wasn't there when I woke up so I left him a heart shaped line before I left.
I can't even type what I drank. I'll throw up
Come in your red robin gear. If you smell like French fries we can make love.
Something bad happened. I'm just giving you some notice. So you can smoke some pot and hide all sharp items in the house.
This is my gift to your gina
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
He asked me for a pic so I sent him a pic of my boyfriends dick.
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
this is a PSA to never have sex in a bed from ikea
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
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