i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
i wanted to be an indian when i was a child. apparently you cannot grow up to be an indian.
Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
We learned a valuable lesson from last night. You can, in fact, order bacon on a Big Mac.
You were scared that your teeth were shrinking so you stuck your fist in your mouth. then you were convinced your hand was growing cuz it got stuck so yu started crying
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
Just got an email from TMobile. Said they were going to pursue "more qualified" candidates. So this is what rock bottom feels like.
The kid in the park, who was on a leash I might add, looked at us and yelled "stranger danger" before hiding behind his dad
OH. MY. GOD. FUCK HIM. JUST GRAB HIM AND FUCK HIM.
Sometimes you gotta say "hey, its been a long semester. Let's puke before 10"
My sharpie cut off line was invaded last night. Where's my turtleneck?
HIS BALLS ARE HEAVEN SENT FROM THE VELVET ANGLES.
You have ruined sex with him for me. Now all I think is "boy scout" and I want to go home
I couldn't figure out what was more important, finishing the shot or putting out the fire on my leg.
It was a successful conference for my sales and my sex life. Those are probably related
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