is it really high of me to have brought my own hot sauce to wendys?
I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
please dont let the old guy in the wheelchair see you when you wake up
I maybe late, he's in a peeing contest with the neighbor's dog. Currently he's in the lead.
and I'm sitting five inches from the tv scrunched up in a ball watching doug. It's like I'm five again...except I'm more stoned than the dude who created this show
Dude. He put me on a rewards point system for his dick. I have to do him favors now to build up to winning sex. This is shit.
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
At first I was horrified but then he explained that he shave a "soul patch" on his balls... And I was still horrified, but I went with it.
well theres no bloody mary mix at the campus bookstore so i dont even know what its good for
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
What happened last night dude?
YOU SHIT ON MY FUCKING COFFE TABLE THATS WHAT FUCKING HAPPENED!!!
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
Dont... please don't. Don't fuck him on his bean bag bed
The seven of us sank the first paddle boat, but the second one was much nicer and we stayed afloat. Best night in a while, but we had to walk of shame for a mile.
Why are you rhyming?
Too stoned. That is how my thoughts are collecting.
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
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