google image searching george stephanopoulos at 1 AM on a saturday night...once again
i am not above fucking your little sister on your bed
There's a level of bonding between people at the liquor store at 10:30 in the morning that's unrivaled
Finally considering to keep my landing strip before I have sex.. I feel like It makes me look mature.
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
Dude she broke four ribs, how does a 110 lb girl break four of my ribs during sex?! It hurts so bad but was so worth it
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
We haven't been trashed enough to shut down a bar together in four days. I'm starting to worry that we're growing apart.
That girl definitely just ate a hot dog and stared straight in to my eyes.
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
She can be as judgemental as she wants. But she thinks the female orgasm is a myth so who is really winning here...
Hey now one little girl thought it was cool I was covered in blood. Apparently according to her Mom she wants to be a surgeon when she grows up
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