im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
Going back to college after four years is reminding me why i love cheating... they dont let me cheat on tests but they sure try hard to make me cheat on my girl
He had to stop fucking her halfway through to do a shit. When he returned she was still waiting for him. The joys of MDMA
For the first time in my life, I paid for my own alcoholic beverage last night. Am I getting ugly?
To be honest, kinda.
Hey do you think you can sew an adult onsie with easy access if you know what I mean!!?? It must have bunny feet.
Its summer. Time to get to the freshmen before the weight does.
HEY. That drawer full of booze in my dorm room also has aspirin and Tums in it. So don't tell me I don't care about health.
And now I have fucked a local celebrity so double free drinks at bars.
When he wakes up tomorrow with half shaved legs smelling like a preteens bathroom, I'm sure he will think he has had a great evening
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
We have to do it Saturday and get a thirty. If i remember correctly it takes me 12 beers to become a wizard
I need to buy fuckboy repellant for whenever I think it's a good idea to meet boys I found in tinder
i would stab him if he didn't just tell me he is a priest
That's actually very serious....I really do think of you whenever is see pizza
He kept telling me my vagina was a pleasure cave... I ended up just taking it as a complimetn
Randomize
