Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
I wasnt that drunk. Throwing the table off the third story was totally logical.
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
I held his ankles while he hung off the top bunk attempting to get my pillow that fell off.
I think ppl see us as an unstoppable drunken force
Only I could run tino my father in law while looking at condoms at Rite Aid. At 730 on a Thursday morning. I'm in trouble.
She's drunk as hell locked up I. The bathroom with my shoes where do I go from here
so I guess I made a note in my phone last night to remind myself not to do shrooms on the cruise ship
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
I need vitamin water and Jesus :/
Last night was incredible. I can tell by the nacho cheese on my jacket
I'm literally 40 minutes from where I was supposed to stay. I woke up in a parking lot.
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
Randomize
