Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
You called your ex's vag an "AIDS Pinata". Drunk You is the Hulk Hogan of insults.
Well I blew a guy I barely know in full view of a homeless camp. That's pretty tame for me.
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
Like sorry you chose to have an attractive girlfriend dude
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
Yeah, I mean I'll probably fuck him regardless but I'm trying to be a lady about it.
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
I know I swore I wouldn't go home with him, but he whispered that he had taquitos and you know how much drunk me loves taquitos.
what the fuck happend anyway? How did it go from smoothies after work to blacking out?
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
I woke up with a pillow, shampoo and a plant in my fridge. Eggs in the toilet, and I was wearing three pairs of girls underwear. What happened last night
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
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