So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap
Omg. The strippers are having a batman vs spiderman showdown. Both on stage. Genius.
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
My mom just told me to make sure my face isn't on the front cover of the newspaper on 4/21. Challenge accepted
Glad we went casual last night, made my 1pm walk of shame through Walmart a little less obvious
he just flipped me off the bed, said "deal with it", and came on me.
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
Was almost hungover and got scared, skipped hungover, back to hammered. Fuck real life
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
There was a clear and well defined point last night where I could've decided to go home but no now I've woken up with glitter all over my nuts and potentially an std or 2
We found out if you get Ben high but stay sober yourself he is an AWESOME cook. You need to get your ass down here, this goes against everything I know to be real.
He came so fast i dont think he got it all the way in. He apologized and gave me his favorite baseball card.
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
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