Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
no more stoned jack in the box. this is the third night in a row.
just tripped. bootyfest 2012 will be my engagement party. i saw the whole future. i'm moving to the beach.
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
He said hes taking shrooms and watching jurassic park so we're making a t-rex costume
we need ur ladder
I remembered to bring wine in a nalgene bottle, but I forgot sunscreen and water. I'm starting to question my life decisions.
I just feel like you're using me for sex.
I'm glad you finally understand the context of our relationship
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
at least its a cool name to shout when he's balls deep in you later
I woke up to pizza pinned to my wall. So that's that.
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
not that i'm not about exploiting men for money
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
Randomize
