He saw my tits then looked up and yelled thank you jesus as loud as he could
and if my full six pack comes in by Halloween there is no stopping the man slut costume. I have no shame
I mean it's not my fault he had a floor mat that read "put out or get out". What was I supposed to do?
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
I don't even know man. I was to busy having beer showered on me and grabbing some balls
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
Just say the word and u can be elbow deep in this glorious rack
This is why I love you...
I'm not drinking with you for AT LEAST a day
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
The teenager outdrank all of us. All. Of. Us. I woke up and she was getting everyone water and fruit snacks. I give up.
Just passed the animal clinic parking lot I had to pull over to puke in during welcome week. I can almost hear the dogs barking at my shame again.
If my dick was big enough to fuck the eye of a hurricane, I would.
Woke up on my sisters couch, and it was like the start of a Terminator movie,my brother in law was passed out on the floor naked in the fetal position. We now call him Arnold. It was an epic night.
Randomize
